The Cynic Gazette

Cobra Commander’s a bad guy. I mean BAD. But is he puppy-kicking bad?

Yup.

Joisey Mike Geek cobra commander, dog, gi joe, kicking puppy

I’m pleased to offer the newest product from Snyder Heavy Industries, Snyder’s Homeopathic Birth Control Tonic, and I’m offering it at zero cost to the consumer. Because here at Snyder Heavy Indurstries, we care, and are hoping to get a Wholefoods distribution deal since they’re a leading retailer of homeopathic pills.

How does it work? I thought you might ask. Samuel Hahnemann, the father of homeopathy, bases everything on what he calls the law of similars (basically that like treats like). So, something that causes a problem becomes a solution when introduced in super dilluted quantities, since the medium (water usually, sometimes pure alcohol) remembers the “vibration” of the ingredient.

Being that sperm is the leading cause of pregnancy, homeopathic says that a super dillution will cure AND prevent it! That’s right, if I bolt in a cup and mix it with enough water, it’ll double as birth control AND a morning-after solution!

Most homeopathic remidies on the shelf at Wholefoods are available in dillutions of 30C, since Hahnemann says this as a good general dillution for most ailments, that’s what I’m going with. What’s that mean? Glad you asked.

Homeopathic ingredients, in this case, my freshly squozen sack chowder, all get dilluted on the X scale or the C scale with either distilled water or pure alcohol. A dillution of 1X means one part per 10, and a dillution of 1C means 1 part per 100. So, our dillution ratio of 30C means the dillution will be 1:100^30 or 1:1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.

Every few dillutions, you have to “actuate” or shake the mixture. Videos of professional homeopaths show actuating as banging a bottle on a leather book, or just shaking it (not unlike a polaroid picture) the way you’d shake a ketchup (NOT catsup) bottle. I’ll be using the “book” method to make sure my gentleman’s leavings are properly actuated.

So come one, come all (I know I will) and get your bottle of Snyder’s Homeopathic Birth Control tonic!

*ahem*

Sound stupid to you too? Well, that’s homeopathy in a nutshell. One other thing worth mentioning–at dillutions over 12C, you’re guaranteed that you won’t get a single molecule of the original ingredient (the math behind this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avogadro_constant).

And the chance you’d get one of my 2 million (ish) swimmy little buddies out of my liquid boy sauce? 1 in 500,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.

Joisey Mike Geek, Skepticism alternative medicine, homeopathy, sarcasm, Skepticism, sperm, wholefoods

I’m tired of seeing my myspace friend count dance around, so I “backed up” my friend list. I dare you fuckers to jump ship now and think I won’t notice.

How to:

1. Open a new MS Word (or Works, or Openoffice Write) document

2. Open myspace, and bring up your “all” friends list

3. Take a screen shot (hit the Prt Scr button on your keyboard) of page 1 of your friends list. If you can’t get the whole thing in there, take two.

4. Go to your new word document you opened in step 1 and paste (Control-V, or Open Apple-V if you bought a Mac and secretly wish you were Justin Long’s athletic supporter on a hot day) the screen shot in.

5. Go back to myspace, and open your friends list page 2, and start at step 3. Repeat until you’re done.

This blog is a special dedication the two of you who gave me the boot instead of saying “hey, I’ve known you for 7 or 8 years, but I don’t care enough to bitch you out for never calling. You’re so off my myspace friend list.”

Joisey Mike Geek, The Internets myspace

So many of us that look at the goddamned fucking stupid megalodons of the suburban throughway and think of the frustration we’ve learned was the price of admissions at the Best Buy, the Circuit City and the so on.

Well, they’ve gone ahead and done something that’s shockingly good for the consumer. Remember way back a few weeks ago when HD-DVD had a chance? Once Blu-ray became the clear winner and Toshiba backed off HD-DVD development once and for all, Best Buy and Circuit City made their move:

• Best Buy is giving $50 gift cards to people who bought HD-DVD players before 2/28
• Circuit City is accepting returns of HD-DVD players 90 days after the date of purchase

Granted Blu-ray players are still in the $400-500 range, so just go buy a PS3 that has one and play me online get more for your money. Or wait 6 months and buy ‘em cheaper. If I were Sony (and surprisingly, I’m not) I’d keep the prices up just a little bit longer, partially to gloat, but mostly because of the bath they took on PS3 sales.

Joisey Mike Geek, Technology best buy, big brother, blu-ray, circuit city, hd-dvd

I revel in my geeky addictions (for which Meg has infinite patience) like my iPhone, Flickr, Podcasts, PS3 (especially Pain), teh internets, Google reader, Photoshop and … well the list goes on. Today, I’m looking for other people who are addicted to Google reader, which I check, oh, say, 150 times a day. 

I’m subscribed to a bunch of Flickr photo pools, about 30 tech and web news feeds, design feeds,iCanHasCheezBurger.com, and another 30 others I’m just not motivated enough to mention. I click that share button from time to time, but who do I share with?

Now I share with thee. I mean you. Thee means you, right? Whatever. Now I share with you. 

To grab the feed of articles, images, videos, lolcats and whatever I find interesting enough to microblog about but don’t microblog about, add this to Google reader, or your favorite news aggregator:

My Google Reader RSS Feed (click to add)

It’ll come up as “KincaidKMF’s shared items” since I didn’t always use the moniker “Joisey Mike” (note to self — do a super-nerdy screen name/online identity blog) and it’ll contain anything I come across that catches my interest so I won’t have to IM it.

Also if you use the mighty Google reader, or any other thing that can make you a feed of YOUR shared items, please comment it here or email me, I’d love to see what you think’s interesting/funny/gross/whathaveyou.

Btw, work’s having a free breakfast of muffins, danish, scones and more. On behalf of Dr. Atkins, I raise my middle finger in rebellion and just drink more coffee.

Joisey Mike Geek, The Internets google reader, rss

Guitar…

Bass…

And just about everything else…

Joisey Mike Geek youtube

Today marks my MySpace.com profile’s 4th birthday; which means I’m a big dork. I’ll admit, I take a guilty and geeky pleasure in seeing new members who are member number 200 million (and change) and knowing I’m member number 94,528. That’s a hell of a thing. To me. Shut up.

While we’re talking about numbers, here’s some more that I’ve noticed — this week since I posted the “New Haircut” video, my blog went over 10 thousand views, and in that time over 400 comments were left and I’ve earned 193 kudos. MySpace doesn’t show how many people have viewed your profile anymore, so lets just say that’s a million or two. It could happen. Shut up.

[Edit: I found it -- 17,617 views]

This of course means you all overwhelmingly appreciate my geekiness, and more directly, give in to my constant fiending for validation through the magic of blog comments. So now, 4 years after I noticed it’d been 3 years since Jesus didn’t come back and kill us all at midnight, January 1, 2000, I reflect on the past.

OK, done reflecting.

I still think there’s a conspiracy between human females and chickens, and I’m still paranoid enough to think the depressed squirrel on my front porch (I’ll edit and post pictures later tonight) is actually spying on me and reporting back to his superiors. Because of my jubilation brought on by you, my blog viewers and fair-weathered commenters, the great squirrel revolution will be neutralized quite easily. My very intentional actions under the squirrel-spy’s observation will lead him (or her, but probably him) to report back to his squirrel-periors that all humans stay inside their houses unless they come outside in their pajamas to sit on the front steps and smoke.

So thanks for reading, oh my brothers, and when fuzzynuts shows up at your front door, ready to conquer pajama-clad smokers and you punt him across the street, you know who to thank. And if you don’t, then I’m telling you, it’s me.

There totally could be a squirrel uprising. I mean… you know. Squirrels. More dangerous than zombies. Do you have a zombie plan? Maybe you need a squirrel plan too. Shut up.

Joisey Mike Geek funny, myspace

Another case of workday ADD has taken a hold, so let’s review some of the hilights of my day. Oh wait, Emily (who declared me the guy who makes it cool to be weird) just emailed me, I’m gonna go read it. BRB. 

OK, I’m back. So, instead of taking screenshots of online textbook pages (oh, what fun!) I’m going to eat your brain. By eat your brain, I of course mean tell you about my day.

Random Insta-obsessions

Jonathan Coulton
Mike introduced me to his song “Re: Your Brains” the other day, so I did some research and bought the album it was on from iTunes. This guy’s great, the album, “Thing a Week Two” is part of his “Thing a Week” project, releasing a new song every week for a year. It feels like Ben Folds if you swiped his piano and gave him an acoustic guitar… really folk-rocky. And he does a cover of “Baby Got Back”, but that’s on a different album. I’m going to get it and see how it feels toe-to-toe against Richard Cheese’s cover.

Urban Dead
This massively multiplayer ***FREE*** browser based game has you as a survivor (read: living human) or a zombie (read: chainsaw fodder) in a city (read: cit… oh, right). I haven’t had the chance to play it yet, but I love the premise. From the reviews I’ve read, I’ve heard that it’s mostly text based with few graphic elements, which is cool since I was into oldschool Infocom games in the mid-80s like Zork, the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and Wishbringer. Never MUDs though. That’s worse than Magic: The Gathering. How’s this game different from a MUD? Shut up, that’s how.

It’s gold Jerry, Gold!

My favorite definition of the word chode from urbandictionary.com:    

    “A chode is a bunch of people that sit around and argue over the definition of the word chode.”

Quotes

Dating advice given:    

    “[15:46] kincaidKMF: I have a rule of thumb I ascribe to pretty strongly: don’t listen to anyone who hasn’t been on a date with anyone new in almost 30 years.”

Commenting on walking to Best Buy on my lunch break, even though it’s pretty hot outside:    

    “I’d like to think that my legacy, once I’ve passed into the great beyond, is to be known as the kind of guy who would walk to Best Buy. As long as it’s not that far. And open.”

On the phone to an insurance adjuster:    

    “So basically I’m the first person this week not to use the phrase ‘lord have mercy’ three times already by this point during the conversation? I’m not to likely to clutch my pearl necknace and say ‘oh, my heaveans’ either. It’s not that I don’t think pearls make me pretty, but I’m not into wearing necklaces.”

Summing it up with H2 tags

Well, I’m gonna go home now. I think the fact that I just promised to set up a wireless printer for a friend the next time I’m in Vegas means that’s enough computer’n for the day. Sing it with me now… “All we want to do is eat your brains…”

Joisey Mike 4th Wall, Geek, Random Jonathan Coulton, me, zombies