The Cynic Gazette

Cobra Commander’s a bad guy. I mean BAD. But is he puppy-kicking bad?

Yup.

I’m pleased to offer the newest product from Snyder Heavy Industries, Snyder’s Homeopathic Birth Control Tonic, and I’m offering it at zero cost to the consumer. Because here at Snyder Heavy Indurstries, we care, and are hoping to get a Wholefoods distribution deal since they’re a leading retailer of homeopathic pills.

How does it work? I thought you might ask. Samuel Hahnemann, the father of homeopathy, bases everything on what he calls the law of similars (basically that like treats like). So, something that causes a problem becomes a solution when introduced in super dilluted quantities, since the medium (water usually, sometimes pure alcohol) remembers the “vibration” of the ingredient.

Being that sperm is the leading cause of pregnancy, homeopathic says that a super dillution will cure AND prevent it! That’s right, if I bolt in a cup and mix it with enough water, it’ll double as birth control AND a morning-after solution!

Most homeopathic remidies on the shelf at Wholefoods are available in dillutions of 30C, since Hahnemann says this as a good general dillution for most ailments, that’s what I’m going with. What’s that mean? Glad you asked.

Homeopathic ingredients, in this case, my freshly squozen sack chowder, all get dilluted on the X scale or the C scale with either distilled water or pure alcohol. A dillution of 1X means one part per 10, and a dillution of 1C means 1 part per 100. So, our dillution ratio of 30C means the dillution will be 1:100^30 or 1:1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.

Every few dillutions, you have to “actuate” or shake the mixture. Videos of professional homeopaths show actuating as banging a bottle on a leather book, or just shaking it (not unlike a polaroid picture) the way you’d shake a ketchup (NOT catsup) bottle. I’ll be using the “book” method to make sure my gentleman’s leavings are properly actuated.

So come one, come all (I know I will) and get your bottle of Snyder’s Homeopathic Birth Control tonic!

*ahem*

Sound stupid to you too? Well, that’s homeopathy in a nutshell. One other thing worth mentioning–at dillutions over 12C, you’re guaranteed that you won’t get a single molecule of the original ingredient (the math behind this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avogadro_constant).

And the chance you’d get one of my 2 million (ish) swimmy little buddies out of my liquid boy sauce? 1 in 500,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.

So many of us that look at the goddamned fucking stupid megalodons of the suburban throughway and think of the frustration we’ve learned was the price of admissions at the Best Buy, the Circuit City and the so on.

Well, they’ve gone ahead and done something that’s shockingly good for the consumer. Remember way back a few weeks ago when HD-DVD had a chance? Once Blu-ray became the clear winner and Toshiba backed off HD-DVD development once and for all, Best Buy and Circuit City made their move:

• Best Buy is giving $50 gift cards to people who bought HD-DVD players before 2/28
• Circuit City is accepting returns of HD-DVD players 90 days after the date of purchase

Granted Blu-ray players are still in the $400-500 range, so just go buy a PS3 that has one and play me online get more for your money. Or wait 6 months and buy ‘em cheaper. If I were Sony (and surprisingly, I’m not) I’d keep the prices up just a little bit longer, partially to gloat, but mostly because of the bath they took on PS3 sales.