The Cynic Gazette

From AIM, a few minutes ago…

Jeremy: Write me a haiku without using the letters E or R
Me: Mid-day IM pops
  Says to accomplish a task
  I’m busy, you dick!

Joisey Mike 4th Wall funny

Joisey Mike Random funny

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Joisey Mike The Internets

Seriously, the geekier you are, the funnier you’ll find this.

Joisey Mike The Internets funny, video

Cobra Commander’s a bad guy. I mean BAD. But is he puppy-kicking bad?

Yup.

Joisey Mike Geek cobra commander, dog, gi joe, kicking puppy

I found what I believe to be an image of the face of Jesus on the lid of my cream cheese container, and of course, put it on eBay. I don’t need it, having seen it before. And, well, I’m Jewish, so it’s just sort of … “nifty.”

Here’s an image, and the link to the auction:

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=320249867306

Joisey Mike The Internets auction, cream cheese, eBay, jesus, yummy

I’m pleased to offer the newest product from Snyder Heavy Industries, Snyder’s Homeopathic Birth Control Tonic, and I’m offering it at zero cost to the consumer. Because here at Snyder Heavy Indurstries, we care, and are hoping to get a Wholefoods distribution deal since they’re a leading retailer of homeopathic pills.

How does it work? I thought you might ask. Samuel Hahnemann, the father of homeopathy, bases everything on what he calls the law of similars (basically that like treats like). So, something that causes a problem becomes a solution when introduced in super dilluted quantities, since the medium (water usually, sometimes pure alcohol) remembers the “vibration” of the ingredient.

Being that sperm is the leading cause of pregnancy, homeopathic says that a super dillution will cure AND prevent it! That’s right, if I bolt in a cup and mix it with enough water, it’ll double as birth control AND a morning-after solution!

Most homeopathic remidies on the shelf at Wholefoods are available in dillutions of 30C, since Hahnemann says this as a good general dillution for most ailments, that’s what I’m going with. What’s that mean? Glad you asked.

Homeopathic ingredients, in this case, my freshly squozen sack chowder, all get dilluted on the X scale or the C scale with either distilled water or pure alcohol. A dillution of 1X means one part per 10, and a dillution of 1C means 1 part per 100. So, our dillution ratio of 30C means the dillution will be 1:100^30 or 1:1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.

Every few dillutions, you have to “actuate” or shake the mixture. Videos of professional homeopaths show actuating as banging a bottle on a leather book, or just shaking it (not unlike a polaroid picture) the way you’d shake a ketchup (NOT catsup) bottle. I’ll be using the “book” method to make sure my gentleman’s leavings are properly actuated.

So come one, come all (I know I will) and get your bottle of Snyder’s Homeopathic Birth Control tonic!

*ahem*

Sound stupid to you too? Well, that’s homeopathy in a nutshell. One other thing worth mentioning–at dillutions over 12C, you’re guaranteed that you won’t get a single molecule of the original ingredient (the math behind this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avogadro_constant).

And the chance you’d get one of my 2 million (ish) swimmy little buddies out of my liquid boy sauce? 1 in 500,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.

Joisey Mike Geek, Skepticism alternative medicine, homeopathy, sarcasm, Skepticism, sperm, wholefoods

Being emailed a million reminders about mothers day and my dad being in town this week, I find this appropriate:

Joisey Mike 4th Wall mom

Logo design is an art form, having to come up with a brand-leading image, while managing not to kill anyone demanding you make the company name “just a bit bigger.” Note: if you can read it, it’s big enough.

Sometimes this art form is embraced and great things happen, like Apple, Nike, IBM, and countless others who have created memorable, eye catching, brand perpetuating logos. You could see a rat trying to gnaw through drywall, and if there was a swoosh, you’d know it was Nike.

But I digress. I’m writing to call attention to some of the worst logos ever created. Here’s a hint: have a teenaged-minded 30-year-old who drinks too much scotch look at your ideas before you put them on a banner.

The first entry is the logo for the Arlington Pediatric Center, which has since changed, but eluded to the possibility of employing Priests as doctors:

Next is the logo that spawned this post when a friend sent it: the logo for the UK’s Office of Government Commerce (OGC). They’ve actually come up with a good looking logo–until you look at it rotated 90 degrees clockwise:

Good stuff. Lets keep rolling on to the logo for the Instituto de Estudos Orientais (Institute for Oriental Studies). This little guy, well, took me a second to see it as anything other than a backdoor entry (it’s a Japanese-looking building with a sun behind it (they claim)):

And finally, my favorite cultural faux pas, assuming that everyone speaks your language in signage:

Note to self: don’t swap a heart for the letter “O” without running it past some international pals first.

Joisey Mike Design, Technology, The Internets bad logo, Design, funny, omg

I’m tired of seeing my myspace friend count dance around, so I “backed up” my friend list. I dare you fuckers to jump ship now and think I won’t notice.

How to:

1. Open a new MS Word (or Works, or Openoffice Write) document

2. Open myspace, and bring up your “all” friends list

3. Take a screen shot (hit the Prt Scr button on your keyboard) of page 1 of your friends list. If you can’t get the whole thing in there, take two.

4. Go to your new word document you opened in step 1 and paste (Control-V, or Open Apple-V if you bought a Mac and secretly wish you were Justin Long’s athletic supporter on a hot day) the screen shot in.

5. Go back to myspace, and open your friends list page 2, and start at step 3. Repeat until you’re done.

This blog is a special dedication the two of you who gave me the boot instead of saying “hey, I’ve known you for 7 or 8 years, but I don’t care enough to bitch you out for never calling. You’re so off my myspace friend list.”

Joisey Mike Geek, The Internets myspace