How to:

1. Open a new MS Word (or Works, or Openoffice Write) document

2. Open myspace, and bring up your “all” friends list

3. Take a screen shot (hit the Prt Scr button on your keyboard) of page 1 of your friends list. If you can’t get the whole thing in there, take two.

4. Go to your new word document you opened in step 1 and paste (Control-V, or Open Apple-V if you bought a Mac and secretly wish you were Justin Long’s athletic supporter on a hot day) the screen shot in.

5. Go back to myspace, and open your friends list page 2, and start at step 3. Repeat until you’re done.

This blog is a special dedication the two of you who gave me the boot instead of saying “hey, I’ve known you for 7 or 8 years, but I don’t care enough to bitch you out for never calling. You’re so off my myspace friend list.”

While we’re talking about numbers, here’s some more that I’ve noticed — this week since I posted the “New Haircut” video, my blog went over 10 thousand views, and in that time over 400 comments were left and I’ve earned 193 kudos. MySpace doesn’t show how many people have viewed your profile anymore, so lets just say that’s a million or two. It could happen. Shut up.

[Edit: I found it -- 17,617 views]

This of course means you all overwhelmingly appreciate my geekiness, and more directly, give in to my constant fiending for validation through the magic of blog comments. So now, 4 years after I noticed it’d been 3 years since Jesus didn’t come back and kill us all at midnight, January 1, 2000, I reflect on the past.

OK, done reflecting.

I still think there’s a conspiracy between human females and chickens, and I’m still paranoid enough to think the depressed squirrel on my front porch (I’ll edit and post pictures later tonight) is actually spying on me and reporting back to his superiors. Because of my jubilation brought on by you, my blog viewers and fair-weathered commenters, the great squirrel revolution will be neutralized quite easily. My very intentional actions under the squirrel-spy’s observation will lead him (or her, but probably him) to report back to his squirrel-periors that all humans stay inside their houses unless they come outside in their pajamas to sit on the front steps and smoke.

So thanks for reading, oh my brothers, and when fuzzynuts shows up at your front door, ready to conquer pajama-clad smokers and you punt him across the street, you know who to thank. And if you don’t, then I’m telling you, it’s me.

There totally could be a squirrel uprising. I mean… you know. Squirrels. More dangerous than zombies. Do you have a zombie plan? Maybe you need a squirrel plan too. Shut up.

*sigh* 

I present the instructions on how to use a toothpick:

“Hold stick near centre of its length. Moisten pointed end in mouth. Insert in tooth space, blunt end next to gum. Use gentle in-out motion.”